Monday, May 28, 2012
HUMOR: The Ten Stages of Food Storage
For those of you who have been prepping for awhile these may sound somewhat familiar!
Stage One: Something or someone has scared-your-eyes-open to the fact that the world is not what it used to be and trouble of various kinds are brewing. You freak out, go to the grocery store to buy a case of mac and cheese and 25 cans of beenie weenies. You stay up late and read every post on the International Preppers Network about zombies, EMPs, nuclear attacks and financial disaster and go to bed thinking the end of the world is tomorrow and wondering if the mac and cheese and beenie weenies will last until then.
Stage two: Tomorrow comes and it's not the end of the world so you start to think about how much you hate mac and cheese and beenie weenies. You freak out and go to the store to buy 25kg bags of beans and rice because you read last night that beans and rice are what you need to eat if the world is coming to an end. You then read every post on how to cook beans and rice and buy a propane stove just-in-case
Stage three: You are sick of tripping over the bags of beans and rice and you've eaten all the mac and cheese and beenie weenies while watching The Road on Friday night and still no disaster has occurred. You begin to wonder if there's more to food storage than this and start looking up recipes that only require canned and boxed food. You find a chart that tells you how long canned food will stay edible and take an inventory of the neighbourhood strays just-in-case.
Stage four: You begin to see the benefits of having some extra food on hand because some family members dropped in unexpectedly and you saw this as a great opportunity to try out your new favorite bean and rice dish on them. You are now reading some thought provoking blog posts on the Canadian Preppers Network on taking care of yourself regardless of the emergency and have considered planting some tomatoes in pots in the back yard just-in-case.
Stage five: Wanting to increase your storage you go crazy with grocery flyers and coupons looking for deals so you can add canned and boxed food to your food storage area. You are feeling more confident as you see the stacks of tuna and cans of soup pile up. You are now debating the merits of Spam and Klic and the multitude of ways it can be eaten with others on the board.
Stage six: You are beginning to calm down and see the need to organise all the "stuff" you've been buying so you go to the big box store and buy some heavy duty shelves. After bringing the shelves home, debating with your spouse about where you can put them, putting the shelves together and organizing your food you realise how little food you really have because the shelves are mostly bare. You take a look around the basement while you're there and see how much useless junk you have accumulated over the years. You start purging and sell it all on Kijiji or Craigs List. While you're selling you browse the ads for camping equipment and spend all the money you made purging buying more practical and useful stuff just-in-case.
Stage seven: You are cruising along when it suddenly occurs to you that your family needs to know about prepping because there's no way YOU can prep for them. You call a family meeting and your parents and siblings shake their heads and sigh because you have finally proven them right - they think you are crazy. Grandma is the only one who looks interested and pulls you aside to suggest that Grandpa (who fell sleep during your spiel) could teach you how to garden and she could teach you how to can your own food next summer. On the way home you think about how much you love your Grandparents and you stop off at the grocery store for the BOGO sale to stock up on some extra food for them - just in case.
Stage eight: You begin to wonder how you will survive the end of the world without snack foods. You head for the nearest bulk food store and stock up on chocolate, candy and chips with plans to put it in mylar bags with oxygen absorbers. You look up mylar bags and oxygen absorbers online and order them but by the time your order arrives your family has eaten all the chocolate and candy and left you with half a bag of pretzels.
Stage nine: You are put off by the amount of time it takes to pack your own food and you want to speed up the process so you look up Briden Solutions and put in an order for 6 months of freeze dried and dehydrated food. It arrives in the mail and you add it to your shelves smiling at the bounty and feeling like you are finally getting somewhere.
Stage ten: You sit back and relax in your yard having planted a garden full of heirloom seeds with Grandpa. Sipping ice tea made with dandelion leaves and other weeds you read a book on how to build a root cellar while day dreaming about your move to a country property where you can raise chickens and have a cow.
Hope that made you smile!